How monotropism influenced my miscarriage journey as an autistic person
Navigating all things fertility (or infertility) isn’t easy for a lot of people — let me start by saying that 🥲
Going through a miscarriage.. also not particularly enjoyable, whether the pregnancy was wanted or not.
Going through MULTIPLE?
Not the highlight of my life tbh folks.
But, like *many* of the things I've experienced in life as an autistic person, it felt as though there was something that felt different about the way I experienced them compared to the way I saw others describing their miscarriage experience.
Sure, I did some crying, I felt pissed off that it was happening to me, bled a lot — and occasionally had an irrational, extremely emotionally driven thought like ‘why the fuck am *I* experiencing this rather than someone who HASN’T been emotionally preparing to parent someone for years?’
..But for the most part?
That's really where the likeness between my experience and the stories I saw plastered over the internet ended.
The way I cope with most things in my life is to research, understand the ‘why’, and then lead with logic.
In this case.. I also figured out early on that this wasn’t my fault.
To give you a bit of context, being a *big fan* of research is common in a lot of autistic people – when something grabs our interest, we throw A LOT of energy at it.
No single autistic individual is the same, for a multitude of factors, but there *is* something a lot of autistic people do experience — how much of our resources we put into one thing at a time.
“I believe that the best way to understand autistic minds is in terms of a thinking style which tends to concentrate resources in a few interests and concerns at any time, rather than distributing them widely.”– https://oolong.medium.com/starting-points-for-understanding-autism-3573817402f2
I ruminated excessively. Every tangent, every possibility and every potential outcome.. I was looking at it. Whilst searching up every aspect of the topic probably wasn’t a great move for my mental health, it also meant that I wasn’t experiencing the emotional torture I saw a lot of others talk about in relation to miscarriage. I was instead obsessed with facts.
And before I let you think that the keenness to consume all of this research is just an unnecessary, fun little trait, I’ll also add that there have been *several* areas of my life that have proved otherwise.
Recognising my neurodivergence being one example (especially as a woman in her late twenties when I realised, like most people outside of the cis, white, boy category who’s neurodivergence also tends to get missed by health professionals) – and that information has been truly life saving.
Secondly, the healthcare I’ve received throughout my miscarriage journey itself has, to put it delicately, ‘left some gaps for me to fill’.
I’ve been seen by some very compassionate professionals – but ultimately – I’ve been rushed through appointments, not had my entire history adequately reviewed, had to search for ways to remedy my hormonal imbalances because I’m given only lab results and diagnoses’ rather than solutions, and generally been left to understand the reasons that miscarriage might take place.
Although I appreciate that the under-funding of both the NHS, and uterus-related research is the reason for this here in the UK, my experiences have proven that my need to advocate for myself is necessary, and this also requires me to research.
Ever been told you’re ‘like a dog with a bone’? Well.. I have! Constantly throughout childhood AND adulthood to be honest with you – and I’m truthfully inclined to agree.
It feels EXTREMELY hard to let go of things on my mind, and this journey’s been no different.
“I keep looping back to my interests and concerns. It’s hard to let things drop.”
- https://oolong.medium.com/starting-points-for-understanding-autism-3573817402f2
If I haven’t been 100% sure that I know how to appropriately handle the situation, OR my concerns about what could be happening, I’ve continued to aggressively DIG through the internet in an attempt to try and find something that soothes my desperate need for a well rounded understanding.
Whilst I’m absolutely ok with just being more likely than a non autistic person to get stuck in a research loop (I truly can’t tell you how much JOY I find in a lot of research sessions) – I’ve also learned two critical things from this journey so far:
1. Unfortunately, no matter the amount of research, I actually can’t predict the future, or the outcome on this one.
I’ve had to get used to being a little more ok with that.. And truthfully, I think it’s benefitted me here!
and..
2. I’ve had to become a lot more aware of what *healthy* research looks like, and what.. *not* so healthy research looks like.
It’s common for a lot of us as autistics to get a little stuck in our (fantastic) brains and ignore that our breathing is screaming HELP, that our shoulders are up to our ears, or that that jaw reaaally needs relaxing..
Learning about somatic exercises came in extremely handy here!
If any of this article speaks to you as an autistic person, I’d also highly recommend the article I’ve linked throughout my words above, “Starting Points for Understanding Autism” which expands on Monotropism.
I’ve also written a book, How Not to Fit In, with my best friend, Charlotte Mia, which is an affirming and validating guide to understanding autism and ADHD, which you can buy at multiple retailers including the Harper Collins website.
Alternatively, buy our cosy, digital workbooks here, which delve deep into specific areas we’ve personally struggled with and give you gentle tools to navigate them too.
[disclaimer: This article centres my experience, and it’s completely ok if it doesn’t reflect your experience. We’re all different, and your journey is as valid as the one I talk about above]
(digital)
new to this or not sure where the f*** to start? or perhaps you are supporting someone who is recently exploring neurodivergence? this bloody brilliant bundle has everything you will need, from working out how to answer diagnostic questions to figuring out how to really take care of yourself, our bundle contains all of our manuals in one handy package so that you can take your time and figure it all out
What is included?
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The autistic experience workbook
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