Is it worth me getting a diagnosis?

This is probably the most frequent question i get asked on a daily basis. While everyone’s situation is unique, i am hoping that by being a little bit more candid with my experience it may answer this question for many of you.

When Jess rang me back in October i knew very little about neurodivergence, i knew i had family members with ASD but i had little knowledge beyond that. As I began to research, most of the information that was available (and accessible) was aimed at parents and children, there was almost nothing about how it may present in in someone like myself. Because of this i didnt really relate to a lot of the symptoms & traits because i am not a child, i could sit still & i could communicate fairly well (or so i thought).

I haven’t spoken much about what actually led me to pursuing a diagnosis (& subsequently) start i am paying attention. I have been asked how i transitioned into self employment & the truth is it was less of a transition and more of a desperate attempt for me to stay afloat.

The build up

I was diagnosed with depression at 17, anxiety at 21, i have been on citalopram nearly all of that time. I was a fairly good student, not overly disruptive & always keen to learn (when i could put my mind to it). The real struggle for me came when i left for university, i had worked really hard to get the grades I needed & got accepted into all of the universities I applied to. However upon arrival i was in for what was the beginning of what would be a very challenging few years.

I struggled with the lack of structure, i didn’t understand my brain, I’d often skip uni to work from home as my anxiety mounted. This obviously made it worse because i I felt so disconnected from my course, i struggled to make friends, everyone seemed like they knew each other? At times i was so dissociated with everything i had no real gage as to how much i was really struggling.

Drinking alcohol excessively was so normalised it became a daily habit of mine, it seemed the only time I could meet and connect with people was while out drinking. Long story short i fucking failed uni HARD. I remember my course leader asking where i wanted to be in 5 years followed by telling me I’d be stacking shelves in Tesco, that really affected me for quite a long time, my already dented confidence was non existent for quite a while after that conversation. I do now however realise in the most mature way possible that he was a massive dick & hopefully we can help support neurodivergent university students better moving forward.

Fast forward a (few) years and I’d had a few design jobs in various sectors. Got fired from all of them… because of overwhelming ‘anxiety’ that plagued every inch of me. As soon as i settled into a job I found the overwhelming pressure to perform consistently every day too much to handle, sick days would mount up, i didnt really understand what I could do about it, and i continued that cycle. I would ace interviews, I’m intelligent & driven so that would come across well, but 6 months in the cracks would begin to show.

Some employers were more understanding than others, but even i didnt even know how to communicate the support i needed because i didnt understand my own brain. How do even begin asking for accommodations when you dont know what it is you are experiencing in the first place?

The explosion

I moved to Brighton, I’d got a job with an agency based over this way. I felt stressed daily but I’d never experienced anything different so assumed it was normal. I started drinking more, anxiety crept in, overwhelming demands from work, relationships, family started mounting up and then BAM i was not ready.

In a matter of months I’d fallen out with my family, my relationship ended & i was fired. Even rock bottom has its own rock bottom. One thing i am still grateful for till this day are the friends that saw through this and continued to support me. I had zero confidence, motivation & even my moral compass was severely damaged in the explosion. The next few months involved an extremely destructive streak, i had fully activated survival mode & if it didnt involve protecting myself or fight or flight mode I wasn’t into it.

People i cared about got really hurt. I felt really hurt. I didn’t understand why i did the things i did, which led me to a place of very little self respect, worth & confidence. I was in a constant reactive state, anxiety soared higher than i had ever experienced before & I wasn’t certain it was going to get any better. My only relief at the time was escaping my own head through drink & drugs, it was the only time i felt a sense of calm. I couldn’t relax so dissociating was the next best thing.

It was only through this period of constant destruction that i started desperately trying to figure out where i was going wrong. Unfortunately its really common for a lot of people to experience a breakdown before discovering neurodivergency in adulthood. I reached out to my GP, which was actually zero help for me personally because they asked me to list ‘symptoms’ which is extremely difficult to communicate when you are in the thick of it. I eventually managed to get access to subsidised therapy & this is where things started to change.

The Clean Up

Between talking to Jess & attending therapy i started to unpack a lot of the things i was struggling with & the links with ADHD & autism started to become clearer. My constant need for stimulation, my struggles with consistency, my lack of emotional regulation. The more i started to understand why this was, the quicker i was able to be gentler with myself and begin to step out of the reactive state I was in.

Over a series of months i had a lot of work to do not only on myself but on the relationships i had damaged. The more i discovered about ADHD & autism the more i was able to communicate, the anxiety started to fade & i quit drinking altogether. I became less reactive & a lot more understanding. It felt like slowly i was being given the correct manual for my brain and i was able to stop desperately attempting to mask.

It is worth noting that this is me attempting to summarise a very complicated journey and there were a lot more ups and down to get to where we are today, however pursuing a diagnosis for me has been a lot less about actually getting a diagnosis and a lot more about learning to work with the brain i have rather than against it.