ADHD, substance abuse and the eventual comedown.

Trigger Warning: This article contains information relating to alcohol and substance misuse which may be sensitive to some. If you suspect you or someone you know is suffering similarly then please reach out either to us or click the links below 💖

This is a bit of a longer one, so grab a coffee (and we won’t blame you if you can’t get through it all without being distracted). 

The immense pressure of this year has affected everyone differently; it’s been a year of loss for a lot of us, with the severe effects of isolation, relationship breakdowns, and lack of socialising having taken its toll. Then, take into consideration the amount of time we have spent reflecting on our own behaviours, and it’s no surprise we’re seeing such a rise in adults pursuing an ADHD diagnosis. 

The first lockdown happened to be before I had been introduced to what ADHD in adult women actually looked like. Although I wasn't aware, the need for stimulation encouraged me to drink more than I had ever done before. The drinking led to constant ups and downs, arguments, poor judgement, self control and low self esteem. 

The ADHD brain can be incredibly overwhelming at times & statistics have shown it is extremely common for people with ADHD to self medicate. Brain thinking too fast? Feeling too much? I’d reach for a drink to slow down and feel more in tune with myself. The adjustment of working from home with limited contact to the outside world, a drink was the only thing that separated work and play for a while. 

I had convinced myself that intoxicated me could operate better than sober me. It provided me with the opportunity to feel more relaxed and have open conversations that I wasn't able to when sober. However, the reality would hit when attempting to navigate a sensitive subject that required clear communication beyond what I was capable of. 

The more I learn about it, the more I realise the importance of paying close attention to what you really need—which is a difficult task at the best of times; but introduce harmful habits that affect your brain in multiple ways and you are heading for complications.

Months later I started therapy, began taking antidepressants, the explosive arguments calmed, and I felt like I understood myself more than I had done in recent years. I was looking forward to the future—something I hadn’t felt for so long.

As we began to unpack, I was introduced to the idea that I may have ADHD. It felt like real progress was being made, I was drinking less, and then went into another lockdown. 

This is where the issues with alcohol dependency snuck back in. As things started to improve, I assumed I’d be able to manage my relationship with alcohol. I was wrong. One bottle turned into a bottle a night, then two, then back to the same habit I fell into over the summer.

I had been drinking consecutively for three (or four?) evenings in a row; which had already significantly affected my state of mind. Choosing to continue to drink was an impulsive decision made with only the thoughts of relaxing in mind. That decision was one that ended with opening three bottles of wine, knocking back several espresso martinis, and to top it off, a line.

Apparently my all or nothing approach doesn’t couple well with drinking.

It felt like beyond a certain point, the cocktail of substances in my body took over and my partner was on the receiving end of the traits I like least about myself. Access to empathy? Nope. Able to reason? Nope. Able to communicate? Not at all. No inhibitions, just anger, rage & upset. 

I was left with what I can only describe as a chemically induced shutdown leaving me only defensive and overwhelmed by everything I was feeling.

I woke up the next morning on the sofa, with little to no recollection of anything that happened the night before. I got up and walked towards the bedroom and a few minutes later found myself on the bed being told that I had fainted. It dawned on me the extent of how damaging my drinking throughout lockdown had been.

Without knowing what I know now, I wasn’t able to identify the behaviours and habits that were damaging the relationship with myself and my partner. 

The downward spiral is evident now, and I thought I could manage something that in fact had complete control over me. When I think back to every stressful situation, and the hurt I have caused others, alcohol is always there. It shows up without fail. 

I am an intelligent woman who will always go above and beyond for those I love, I adore long conversations and could not be happier than when I am able to really be vulnerable with the people I hold close. I am very sensitive to my own emotions, and I am learning more everyday about what I need and how to communicate that. I cannot be the things I'd like to be whilst alcohol is in my life. Every time I drank, I for some reason thought it would end differently. It doesn't.

The relationship is over. There is no figuring out ways to ‘manage’ it, no more only having one, only drinking at weekends, or on special occasions. 

My relationship with alcohol does not benefit me and it has damaged several things I care about most. I will have to learn new ways to calm my overactive brain, I will have to approach my feelings with kindness and I will have to learn how to communicate openly with those around me when it really matters rather than three bottles down. Dopamine, we will have to find a new way to spend time together.

I know I’m not the only person who has leant on intoxicating themselves this year to get through, but I hope that whoever reads this is able to reach the point I am at now without destroying so many things along the way.

You have so many things to look forward to and there is always a way out. 2021 is going to be a clearer one, and this is as much a written agreement with myself as it is comfort for anyone experiencing anything similar.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/adhd-and-addiction#1
https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/resources/dual-diagnosis/alcohol-and-adhd/

If you have ADHD you may also experience symptoms of RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria),