The emotional price of ADHD

I was 17 when i was first diagnosed with depression. I struggled to get out of bed, i constantly felt overly emotional & and i had very little energy. Fast forward ten years, several more episodes of depression and an extra sprinkling of anxiety, i have recently had to unpack over 20 years of experiences with a new perspective (not intended to sound at all enlightening).

The idea of having ADHD first came into conversation with my therapist at the end of the summer following an extremely stressful year that had taken a huge toll on me mentally. To begin with i approached the subject with skepticism, knowing very little about ADHD i was pretty sure i didn’t fit the description. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder… what does that have to do with anything?

As it turns out… a lot! Over 20 years of undiagnosed emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, social anxiety, inconsistency, poor money management, lack of focus, impulsivity, poor memory & eventual burnout would lead me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis. Like a lot of women my age ADHD goes largely undiagnosed until well into adulthood. I knew that knowing this would help me to understand and make better life choices for myself moving forward, but i knew it came with a price.

I think back to one of my jobs, which makes me realise this affected me at uni, which then makes me realise i really struggled at college, which subsequently makes me realise actually this started at school. Most of my thoughts have followed this similar pattern as i have begun to unpack things that i have punished myself for (for years). Missing those fine details, putting off work, not replying to emails, leaving things till the last minute, forgetting things straight after a meeting and falling in and out of producing great work and nothing at all. The problem with experiencing these things without a diagnosis is the toll it took on my self worth and mental wellbeing. I began to question my character… am i lazy? do i have no work ethic? is there something wrong with me?

By the time talk of an ADHD diagnosis came round i was so use to invalidating my own experiences that i barely trusted how i was feeling. I felt listened to, i felt heard, i felt validated but i also felt like i didn’t deserve it, my self worth had taken such a knock at this point i was convinced that i just wasn’t that great a person and that was it.

From the classes i failed & jobs i lost to the people i hurt & the friends i fell out of contact with, i carried that burden for so long i was convinced that the issue was with me and that i just wasn’t a ‘good’ person. The deep emotional fallout from years of trying to get my brain to work in a way that it was never intended resulted in the biggest eventual burnout which spanned about 10 months.

The more i learn about the ADHD the more i am beginning to actually learn more about myself, i struggled for years to really be by myself, i felt i wasn’t really sure of my identity, i struggled with being consistent, even if it was something i enjoyed. I have always had the drive to do everything, but the energy to do those things was harder to come by. It became difficult to trust myself to see something through and imposter syndrome creeped up on me, this paired with poor memory made it very difficult to really look forward to the future.

I am taking time to really understand ADHD and how it affects me personally. For me the biggest challenges i face are communication and procrastination. This has taken a toll on my mental health, my relationships & my career. However i do stand by the fact that information really is the key to unlocking potential and i remain positive while i navigate everything with a slightly different toolkit.